The Internet Adventures of Paul Bobby Constant

Only a Nerd Could Love This Song

(This is part of an ongoing series rating presidential campaign songs, in rough chronological order. You can find all the previous entries here.)

Millard Fillmore is arguably our nerdiest president. Names fall into and out of fashion with every decade, but there was never a time that being named “Millard Fillmore” did not get you mocked. He was the last of the Whig presidents, the last president born in the 18th century, and when he got out of office, he founded the University of Buffalo. Who cares? Not me.

At least his song, “The Union Wagon,” was similarly nerdy; Fillmore didn’t pull any kind of bait-and-switch with a hardcore kick-in-the-pants campaign song. The tune was hopelessly bland, and the lyrics were completely wonky. They imagined America as a wagon, made from wood from all our many regions:

Our wagon is a noble one,
‘Twas made in seventy-six;
‘Twas driven by George Wash-ing-ton,
Through stormy pol-i-tics!

Palmetto, cypress, cottonwood,
in spokes and wheels you’ll find;
Western oak and Eastern pine,
and Northern ash com-bined!

Wait for the wagon,
The Millard Fillmore wagon;
Wait for the wagon,
And we’ll all take a ride!

And then it swings back around and makes the wagon—America—the Millard Fillmore wagon. Fillmore is a man of the nation, a product of America, taking no particular region as his favorite. He’s all about unity! (Remember, this is as the state’s rights battle that will become the Civil War keeps heating up.) It’s not as thunderous as other campaign songs to date, and it certainly doesn’t score high in terms of memorability, but it tries to use poetic imagery to bring the people together. Nerdy, yes, but sincere.

Lyrics:5
Enthusiasm: 3 
Infectiousness: 2
Total Score: 3.34

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